Stacidella

trying this instead..

2009-12-25T21:02:00.000-08:00

http://stacidella.tumblr.com/

Circular

2009-12-21T21:32:00.000-08:00

I wish it wasn't true.

Same old songs to mend the same old crazyness going through my mind. I always end up here, some point or another. I'm not saying I'm a victim, I wasn't placed into a situation. I made my situation neatly and tied it with a bow, before I saw the mess I made. Just because it sparkles, doesn't make it beautiful.

17 years, I have been in this relationship, with myself.

THAT is the one I'm going to work on.

Dear Santa,

2009-12-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

Dull Colors of Nailpolish

New York& Company Scarf

Calvin Klein Handbag (Large)

Peacoat (A black one)

MAC (Natural Brown Plum)

Melanie Fiona - Give It To Me Right

2009-12-20T15:26:00.001-08:00

Song Of My Day

I'm going to have fun :)

Daniel Fairytale - Stacey Daniels

2009-12-20T09:45:00.001-08:00

1,2,3
Strolling on the pavement with your
Hands on my hair
2,3,4
Turning at the center of the
Whole universe

And I don't know what feels more lonely
Is it
The number 2
Is it you

Criss cross
Your heart's eyes so big
They stalk
You forgot to talk

My fingers crossed
And yours are tough
A string puppet

1,2,3
You're strolling on the pavement with me
Did you forget

2,3,4
You're turned at the center of
The universe

And once this ends
The pavement doesn't send
Our way to make it
I'm here, wrists naked
A charmful bracelet
On the floor

Don't you forget.

Baby Baby Baby

2009-12-20T09:18:00.001-08:00

I feel that I can be an open book; towards the people I want to know me. Other than that, I want you to stay behind the brick wall. But if I've been needed, I've been there. I've never been last priority holding a title that should mean more. It hurts.
It's true you sometimes have to be without something to appreciate it.
I love doing small things. It hasn't bothered me before that the same effort isn't returned, and it still doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that there is no effort.
I've given my all once, all at once. Never will that happen again. So I give my all again, slow enough to "take it back," if I wanted to. But I still feel like I'm losing something.

In all honesty I feel that: I shouldn't have to cry so that I can hear a simple, "I care about you, Stacey." That I shouldn't be last priority, even though we're in high school. Did I say I should be first? I said not last. That I should be considered before something happens that will effect me. That I should be trusted with a part of you that no one else gets. And that I should be loved.

I always saw that was the beauty of risking your half to be a whole with someone. There was a part of you that only that person could know, and that's what kept myself connected.

How come we don't have that?

The end, period.

2009-12-19T18:04:00.000-08:00

You're on your period, so that MUST mean that you are acting differently due to only that. It must mean that you are completely wasted on your period, that you have no idea what you're saying or doing. But once your period is over, you are sober once again.

Really?

Typical sexist stereotypical bullshit. Your problem is: you never see the bright side, always blame others, talk shit about whoever isn't around despite if they're your friends or not. Yeah, and it's sad that I've also become one of your "friends" you only tell the truth of how you really feel when I'm not around. Life is too short for it.

For the people I love, I wouldn't do that. So I'm saying goodbye to something that wasn't real. A friendship without friends and secrets uncontainable. I believe you will share everything I've ever shared with you, but I'm okay with that. I believe that you will express your true opinion of me, now that we are no longer friends. It's going to be okay, because at the end of the day..You're not in my life.

You Picked Me

2009-12-19T01:16:00.000-08:00

Today was okay. I had a good day at work and school was okay. I mean it when I said no more dwelling. It is how it is, that's all there is to it.

I have a new friend! She's really nice. I really have like 5 or 6 friends. The rest are acquaintances. But I love my handful dearly.

It's 1:30AM. And I am singing in my head, "Can't help falling in love with you" over and over again.

Heaven

2009-12-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

I value my loving family. My handful of friends. My love. Paper and pen. Music and Poetry. Everyone who knows me knows how much I value good food! Haha. I love that I have the privilege to go crazy, take chances, and make mistakes. I get to dive into cold waters naked but still have a warm bed at night, how can I complain? I feel like I have the best of most worlds. Sometimes I can even have my cake and eat it to, and I love to share it.
So when those days come where I don't remember how good I have it, forgive me. Maybe it's a human thing, maybe it's a Stacey thing, but it's fact. Sometimes the little things blind me. And I am no victim to my faults, because I know what I am doing. It's not hard to take a difficult situation and make it worse. All I have to do is let the ice melt.
And right now, I may not even be clear minded. Maybe my happiness tends to blind me also. I never know when I'm in the middle. Right now, I'm feeling okay. Somewhat on the happy side.

I love you beautiful world.

Heal

2009-12-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

Angel Taylor, Michelle Featherstone, Ingrid Michealson, JJ Heller, Death Cab for Cutie, Michael Buble, etc.. I can go on..

They save my days.

I am making the best of it. And today, I had a good day. Though I freaked out about my cheer pants, my cell phone, and my first "basketball game." I'm quite happy. I like doing things, even little things, for people. Like Kc's shirt. It's not a big deal, I REALLY don't need anything else. So with the money I make, why not spend it on people I love? Hmm. Today Michael came to the game. Every time I see him I feel like dropping whatever I'm holding and squeezing the life out of him. That boy.

The miracles I have. Past relationships, whether we were lovers or if we were friends. It means something to me to see them doing well. I definitely am doing well. Just trying to remember that there will be downs. Can't be up if there's no way down, right?

Sometimes I'm alone, but I'm trying not to be lonely. I mean, I eat lunch alone sometimes and it's nice. I can think, or just be blank. I can have the house to myself, and just go crazy in the mirror. What does it matter?

I love a boy; though my heart has been saught out to destroy.

"What's the point, if it's not love?"

CPR

2009-12-11T20:25:00.001-08:00

Car rides, blasting Song and the city of San Francisco is lit
Tonight it is on!
and I can feel it
My heart is no longer conflicted
This is where I belong
In now and here, playing my lovers song
This is where my note is it's greatest
Here and now, the night beside me
Cold air on the windshield, his hands wipe it down
A material collage lay in my bag, I stole his headphones

Living life is the best sober
And I can fall in love, make it, leave
and tumble over
And feel it
Hands tell the truth better than toes can
My hairs up, on the floor I found a rubber band
I feel like superman, on his best day
Cause I doubt he ever saved a life with a wink and not a cape
We're through with yesterday
The Golden Gate Bridge has ice beneath it
Tempting, plus our time is limited.

The gloves came off as fast as the clothes did
Didn't look though..I mean c'mon, I love my boyfriend
So, we leaped into the black hole
Of fun
Didn't think it over much, didn't blink twice
Just grabbed his hand with mine
For those secret glances of "Remember when.."
This was one of those times.

I've decided to live in thrill
take one breath at a time,
And chill
If I were to die tomorrow,
That'd be okay
As long as I took a chance today.

You Can't Hurry Love

2009-12-06T18:17:00.000-08:00

I love Devonte Jackson.

I guarantee that I will have my doubts and want to put on my running shoes, but I also guarantee that I would regret not being with this boy.

Hmm.

PS. Warriors game was the shit!
I loved performing. I feel so confident now in what I do. I love dancing.

Butterfly

2009-11-29T22:19:00.000-08:00

"You tucked me in
Turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that
Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me every where
You were always there when I looked back
You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be
And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me
Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away"

Miley Cyrus - Butterfly

I love my dad - James Preston

Sick

2009-11-29T08:34:00.001-08:00

You disgust me. It makes me sick to know that there are people, people that I love, that care for you. I wouldn't mind if you weren't here. Because two lives would have been replacing yours. Babies. Babies you murdered. And though I am pro-choice, you made the choice for children that weren't yours. You made the choice for my sisters. Family is the most important? You tarnished mine. You have branded your presence in their womb.

And never have you said "I'm Sorry."

But you laugh and make comments to embarrass them and shame them. You entertain our peers to think that you are lovely, and that they are unwanted. But what is unwanted is you. If lives were not taken, then it was pride. Pride damaged and relationships tainted with your existence. Self-conscious? Well who isn't. Insecure? Well who isn't. Must you step in to make it a game? Well who has that much hate toward others, that have grown up from loving homes, that they never needed to wear armor for put downs? You.

How sad it is the only hole you want to fill are holes already filled by other women with greater love and class. There are no men my sisters have loved more, and no men have loved them more passionately. But you squeezed in between like phlegm through a crack in the ceiling.

Your heart must be freezing.

And I'm cautious to be in love. Him. He can be everything to me. And not because he is brilliant in all he does. But because he has elf ears. Because he stands like an old man when he's focused. Because his face lights up and drops his jaw when he has a new idea that can make another small thing in the world better. Because he repeats my sentences when he knows I'm angry at him! And because he is so stuck on that godforsaken issue on OPTIMISM. I adore him.

But now, how can I love him?

Ball

2009-11-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

My heart beats faster than I can keep up with my words
Being away from you apparently makes it worse
I've been told
There's only one of you in this world
And plus
Your body fits mine
Down to every hair and every line
This should be a crime,
to feel this much need
I didn't think the photograph with the caption reading "sold her soul,"
would be of me
I'm living without sleep
I feel no sympathy
For those I've left with question marks, just holding
While time passes and opportunities sit molding
Suffocated and lonely

I wish my heart felt what I told it to
But where's the fun in that?
I wouldn't be this much in love with you.

Castle

2009-11-27T16:49:00.000-08:00

A friend and I used to go to Grandpa Jerrys. It was the most beautiful home I've ever stayed. Everything was either white, or gold. I remember we would walk through this entire land of trees at night and "take chances." Swimming at midnight, naked. I miss her. She has seen everything of me, and been there for so much of me. I remember cutting school to go there with her. It meant so much to have that place as an out when her and I felt the world was shrinking. We always said we'd bring more people there, but I prefer it to just be me and her. So we could talk, laugh and own that home for a night. My reception their sucked so it was just me and my thoughts, and hers.

We'll go back soon I hope.

I'm a glass, full

2009-11-26T22:11:00.001-08:00

I'm thankful for my Uncle James. I was an orphan until we took over. He is my father. I'm thankful for him and Darren. For Stephanie, my best friend and my sister. Kc, another me and I'm another her. Andrew, I care for you so. Christine, since we started living. My dear boyfriend.

I'm thankful for having amazing teachers, my boss at work is so supportive. I'm thankful for all of the care and love that surrounds me.

I'm thankful for everything that I have. For music, for pictures, for words.

<3
For my mother.

Today's saving grace for me.

2009-11-25T18:18:00.000-08:00

Haunted

2009-11-25T17:33:00.000-08:00

Somtimes
I'm insecure
I'm paranoid beyond reason
I throw fits because of my imagination
I analyze to make things the worst

I am a mess,
but someone doesn't think so.

And though life is short, it's long enough to avoid mistakes like this one.

This mistake I'm making right now. Letting others tangle my thoughts. I let this happen, because I cared. I've cared what people thought of me. If I was a "bitch" or a "slut" or an "orphan" or a "daughter of a fag". I've cared. I've cared what label I was branded with. I cared if I was fat, or my feet were too big, I cared if my skin was too dark for people to take me seriously.

The blind can see that I love him. Life is too short to let this hurt me. It's too delicate to dangle my heart above fire and hatred. If I were to waste this life, I might as well die now and be with my Mother, elsewhere. But I cherish what I have here and I am living to be alive. And I want to live in the wonderful memories. I want to take the beautiful risks.

I'm fighting to stay awake.

Enough with the haunted.

2899

2009-11-24T23:03:00.001-08:00

I don't like the words tasty or sturdy
I get chills when fingertips touch my shoulders
I always order mussels or calamari as my apetizers
I love musicals, live
I still paint
It's easy for me to forget a face, but impossible for me to forget lyrics
I hate being cold
I believe hands tell a lot about a person
Touch explains more than words
I'm afraid of the dark, but not as much as I used to be
Cranberry juice
I hate the thought of drowning
I like peeling wallpaper or paint off the walls
Love conquers all
I think sunchips are the healthiest chips that taste good
I keep every letter that has ever been sent to me, including at least one petal from flowers that have been sent to me
I cherish the little things: holding a door open, saying "bless you" when I sneeze..
Hot chocolate and snow or going ice skating makes me fuzzy inside
Driving with a good song on
I'm afraid of the bible and what it does to people, my grandparents spend every waking moment praying, instead of living a life worth praying for
I believe in doing the things that scare you: when my heart beats and my stomach feels heavy, I know I'm about to discover more happiness
I love the smell of christmas trees
I am irritated by the sound of motorcycles..

There are small things I can't stand, there are small things that I wouldn't really be living, without.

Dance

2009-11-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

Man have I been living in different dance for years. I see it all the time. Even when people are just walking. Maybe if I weren't so shy. Hmm. I can do a triple pirouette now. That's big for me.

It's beautiful. Another thing that brings me home I guess.

Slightly insane, but never ordinary.

2009-11-23T20:14:00.001-08:00

Today I took my senior portraits. Oh man. It's like I get a new reminder every week that this is my last year in high school. I can't tell you what I would do differently, not yet. But it's been one hell of a ride.

I wish my mom would have been there for my first period, my first 4.0, my first date, my first prom, my awards, and all these firsts and ceremonies. Whenever I'm in front of a crowd, I see her sitting somewhere. But it goes away when I blink.

I miss her. I hope she is proud. I know who I am.

Why

2009-11-22T22:55:00.001-08:00

I'm sick. It shouldn't be like this.

What could you possible know about breaking down, that I don't?

2009-11-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

"Not everything is supposed to come true. Some words are best unsaid. Some love is not really love at all. I'll keep everything I shared with you, and that's enough."

I have dreams about it still. I think I can explain what made me feel bad before. I was younger, and I was quick to give what I had so that I didn't have to compete with the older girls who knew more. So I gave multiple guys my body to use. I wasn't a victim, and I'm still not. But I didn't protect what I had. And I didn't want to protect it. I was doing more than he expected me to. As if he were my coach, and thought I was slower than the other girls on his team. I gained some fuckin speed didn't I? I felt ashamed to hold your hand, cause the others will see and know that with them? I did so much more.
But that isn't true.

I'm a cry baby, so they held my tears. I can lose my control and obsess over words and I cared a few times. Hell, I used to squeeze my pillow tight and try to escape the dreams I had to end up with them. Do you know how many cases I don't remember? I don't remember faces either. But I remember what drugs were used and what song was playing. I realize that that was what mattered. I created my own environment and kept it alive by keeping a boy around.

I was attached to the taste of alcohol, the sweat, the smell of cologne&cigarettes, and a void being payed attention to. And I slip. Sometimes that reminds me of a good time, a great time..but nothing that ever lasted.

I'm scared because now I'm attached to something I'm new to. I'm a virgin to. If I lose this, where will my addiction lay then?

I love it.

Photos I took. Why I'd miss Maine.

2009-11-20T18:54:00.000-08:00

Eyes froze.

2009-11-20T16:29:00.001-08:00

He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps

Charm

2009-11-19T22:15:00.000-08:00

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate
There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down
It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

The Fray - Look After You

Sudae

2009-11-19T21:51:00.000-08:00

Hey. I just got back from an auction event with my co-worker and my boss at this pretty country club in the nice part of Oakland. It was cool. I spent $200 on some hand scrub, lotion and gloves. Haha. Sounds odd but it was cool. I was pissed I didn't get the perfume I wanted! *shakes fist* but it's okay. It was my first time at any kind of auction and it was a good first experience. I hope we do this more often. It even motivates me to try harder at work so I can help raise more "Bucks." I'm not sure about that process though. Hmm.

College Apps. ALMOST DONE!

The Wreckers - Lay Me Down

2009-11-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

You let me in
'Cause after all
It seemed like the right thing to do

I closed my eyes
And let you fall
I wonder what you could possibly know
About breaking down that I don't

It's been awhile
Since I begged for
Anything but now I want more

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you'd never even try to
Anyway

I hear you say
It's not the same
I'm sorry
It's something I just can't explain

So shut your mouth
And hold me close
We both know
It's better than being alone

I don't mind
Killing time
As long as I can't see it in your eyes

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you'd never even try

If wanting you's so wrong then I'm wrong
I'll admit it
Time after time you'll realize
You don't mean it

So lay me down
I'm lonely
You don't understand me
And you'd never even try to
Anyway

I'm Sorry
lay me down
im lonely
lay me down
you don't understand me
and you'd never even try to
anyway

Armor

2009-11-15T00:21:00.001-08:00

I'm not a victim. And no matter what it takes, I will push my heart aside and defend what matters. I have come way too far and have pushed way too hard to slip now.

Life is too short to waste on emptiness don't ya think? I do.

Two babies have died under her, love has been tainted or cursed. I was pure of this ruthlessness until now, but I will not stand by and take it.

No way.

Note

2009-11-08T18:52:00.000-08:00

Some chances are like playing Russian Roulette.

November

2009-11-08T18:14:00.000-08:00

Uncle James and I went to visit my mom today. Chapel of Chimes. Such a sad but beautiful place. There were already red and white flowers there. They looked new. I wondered if Sol and Jonalie ever come to visit her. I know that Sol is afraid of the free way so I wouldn't be surprised if that was a no.. But I wonder if she thinks about my mom a lot. I wonder how long your "supposed" to wait until your'e allowed to move on. For Sol, I mean. They were lovers, and is there a time limit you have to be patient for before you continue life with someone else? Is there enough time, for a time limit? I guess we'll never really know.

I'm quite satisfied right now, at this very moment. Oh now, here come the doubts. I wonder if I'm making mistakes that I hear I'm making. I think about whether or not life is long enough to deal with the small things as if they mattered most. But my morals just don't agree with that burning question. Is the fighting worth it? We send off our hearts as we send young men to war. And the argument for which side is clean can go on forever. Forever is a word that scares me also. But I feel like it shouldn't. I see it now that my beliefs are somewhat forced.

Enough for now, it's November.

Shaken soda

2009-11-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

I feel like a liter of soda that has been thrown across a football field doing back flips. TALK ABOUT PRESSURE. Applying for college scares me. The tiredness is settling in a lot faster. I feel like I'm sleepy when I wake up from 9 hours of sleep. What's wrong with that? I smell steak from the kitchen. The only thing that is keeping me from exploding.

And I have to say this somewhere:

I remember when we were 13 years old, you called me one random night and I was in the hospital with my friend..you and I spoke for four hours until I my metro died. That night, we talked about shit we cared about back then. But now, the shit we care about is too different we can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes before one of us wants to say "fuck it, peace" I don't want to fight anymore. And I realize that the part that benefited you was that, you always won. I must look like an idiot everytime I tell you , "Leave me alone for good." But I want to evoke that, everytime I say that I mean it with the most honesty a person I feel can have. I don't want to share worlds, let alone conversations about them.

Jan 9th 2009 7:35:04 PM

2009-11-02T23:18:00.001-08:00

Hi this is dj

Senior President

2009-11-01T22:31:00.001-08:00

This part of me has a passion for my class. I feel like personal shit gets in the way and it frustrates me. Life is not long enough. Wanna know why I wanted this job? Because I care about what people have refused to see. I care about having a successful and fufilling experience in high school. I care about senior t-shirts and "senior night" and prom and homecoming and spirit week and senior sweatshirts. I care about making memories, the activities, the games, the events. I care about the planning, the ideas, the organization. I care about the communication. This has the ability to hurt me. It hurts me because I want a working relationship with the other officers. I don't worry about being friends, I honestly don't. If it was meant to be, hey we'd love each other like sisters. But I want to be able to say, "hey, how's the planning going?" Or "hey, good job delegating" or "what a great idea" without the dirty looks and the mono-tone replies. I feel that in this job, I am not Stacey, I am just a senior officer. So in that mode, the social shit stays at the door. I guess that's the simplest way to say it. I want all the social and personal issues checked at the door. We're human, and all of us make mistakes. I believe that the mistake in this case, is that we do not try harder to have a working relationship. That doesn't mean always be happy in each others company. It means be civilized, active and respectful in each others company because we are working. And I'm assuming its for that goal we all share: to be able to look back on graduation day and honestly say "We did it."

Blue Nike

2009-11-01T01:45:00.001-07:00

People ask me about my mom and their first question is always "Do you cry about it?"

I guess I do, in other ways. I've learned a lesson from that tragedy of losing a mother. I've learned that the little things that stand in the way of happiness is a waste. So if you see me crying, its because something, even a little something, was in the way of the beauty in life. When love has been abandoned because of a fight, I cry. It makes me sad to know that there are moments where people don't see it.

I've learned that if you think its love, do it.
If you want it, go for it.
If they hate you, love them, or at least be kind.
If you lose, remember you could win again.

I love my mother. I miss her and I wish she could be here with me as I learn. But she is not, so I will make the best of my journey as though she were beside me.

Clarity

2009-10-29T21:37:00.001-07:00

"It's like when you are taking a hike and it's beautiful..there are flies. And sometimes, you have to deal with the flies when other things make you happy" - Uncle James

Boston

2009-10-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

I feel beautiful. Complete and happy. But I guess satisfied isn't the whole story. I know that I can definitely be doing better with my school work. As a matter of fact, I should be doing homework at this very moment. But maybe the thoughts are what hold me back. So lets release shall we? Listening to Strange and Beautiful, and it makes me feel better. I'm really sleepy. But you know what it's like,right? When things are falling together, the tiredness settles elsewhere for a while longer. At least, it does with me.
"Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first. Sometimes the first thing you want never comes. But I know, that waiting is all you can do, sometimes." - Aqualung

Have a beautiful night. Until later.

*Waiting for a sign
Two thousand eight hundred and ninety nine.

101709 - Homecoming Is Over

2009-10-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

Hello,
I'm deciding to check in now that hell week is over. Woot!

I am so happy. So, superman is now mine.

*Victory Dance*

Have a nice day.

When it hurts to press SAVE

2009-10-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Him(07:29 PM):Ok if I asked you to marry me you would say....

Me(07:29 PM):I'd say no

Me(07:29 PM):You didn't get on your knee!

Him(07:29 PM):Ouch.

Him(07:31 PM):That's the catch... I got my knee shot off

Him(07:31 PM):By a cannon

Me(07:31 PM):A cannon -_-

Him(07:31 PM):Yes

Him(07:31 PM):In a pirate war

Me(07:31 PM):Oh well that changes everything

Me(07:31 PM):I can't be a wife to a one legged pirate

Me(07:32 PM):Not my type

Him(07:32 PM):Damn

When The Stars Go Blue

2009-10-11T08:39:00.001-07:00

Hmm. Sunday mornings. I ate cereal and a pb&j sandwhich. It made me happy. This weekend has been fun. I've been out the whole time pretty much. Friday was so much fun. We beat tennyson and I notice the mood of cheering depends on the game. Don't know why I didn't think about that before, but I loved cheering. So that's going well. It's Homecoming week tmrw. Oh dear! No, it's not as stressful as it was last year.
My heart is off the market. Maybe it really has been that way for a while. But I'm giving in, slowly. Very slowly. He makes me so happy, it feels like something like this can easily be taken away. Like waking up from a dream.

<3
Going back to sleep for a while.

Wish I would have cheered long ago

2009-10-09T07:43:00.001-07:00

EE Cummings - An idol of mine.

2009-09-29T21:35:00.001-07:00

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Spoiled

2009-09-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm spoiled, surrounded by people that care about me, even WANT me. But I don't give a fuck sometimes. Actually, for most people I don't give a fuck majority of the time. It's like the attachment grosses me out. What? You want me? Back the fuck up. I used to hate being alone, it made me cry. Just seeing everyone around me, with their close friends, their companions and such. I was envious of the connection that people shared. But then I looked closer, in these groups and relationships, they even back stabbed each other. I don't see the point of becoming "a couple", or "the group of best friends", when there isn't unconditional love. Maybe that's the part that grosses me out. The idea of spending so much time with a person that has questionable intentions with me.
I don't want you to walk me to class, or carry my books. I like being alone. I like depending on just me to get even the little things done.
Okay, yeah sure. I have some good friends and some potential significant others, but I like going to sleep at night without worrying about a phone call.

But then I am selfish. I make you wait for my phone call. I put you on hold while I take care of MY priorities on MY time. Forgive me, I can't make myself care about you. But I can stop using you.

For those who care, you guys are great. For those who don't, you guys are cool too. I don't care much. Not that I don't appreciate, I am so thankful. I am very fortunate.

Sea of Love

2009-09-20T08:11:00.001-07:00

I don't want anything to be complicated. And I don't feel that I'm in control. I can feel myself slipping under that rock again and sleeping until my problems are solved for me, and however things turn out and who ever is still left, I'll work from there. I want to get out of this selfish habit. I want to stand on this god forsaken rock and solve my problems, for me!

Oh but its so comfortable down there, I don't know what to think up here. I don't know where to start.

I guess I'll do one thing, I'm going to go eat breakfast..and stall until they call my number.

Have a beautiful day world.

Lucky

2009-09-18T19:40:00.001-07:00

Today was the first home game I've cheered at. It definitely was a different environment than the away game last week. I'm feelin bad but I still believe that I can improve if I work hard. I'm going to relax tonight and take a nice bath so this weekend I'll feel better. I have work in the morning. 9-1 so it's all good. I'm excited to get back to work. It sucks when I have to take days off.. pooh. I am trying to do better with homework. Sometimes I just wanna say "fuck it" and sleep. :/ I hate being tired! But I want the best grades. Oh dear. Such a problem. Funny how your best friend ends up to mean more to you. I'm just happy to release. That's what life is about. "Balls out" haha.

Well that's all folks. I'm off to read and bathe. Sweet.

"Poetry" by Marianne Moore

2009-09-14T22:25:00.001-07:00

I, too, dislike it: there are things that are important beyond
all this fiddle.
Reading it, however, with a perfect contempt for it, one
discovers in
it after all, a place for the genuine.
Hands that can grasp, eyes
that can dilate, hair that can rise
if it must, these things are important not because a

high-sounding interpretation can be put upon them but because
they are
useful. When they become so derivative as to become
unintelligible,
the same thing may be said for all of us, that we
do not admire what
we cannot understand: the bat
holding on upside down or in quest of something to

eat, elephants pushing, a wild horse taking a roll, a tireless
wolf under
a tree, the immovable critic twitching his skin like a horse
that feels a flea, the base-
ball fan, the statistician--
nor is it valid
to discriminate against "business documents and

school-books"; all these phenomena are important. One must make
a distinction
however: when dragged into prominence by half poets, the
result is not poetry,
nor till the poets among us can be
"literalists of
the imagination"--above
insolence and triviality and can present

for inspection, "imaginary gardens with real toads in them,"
shall we have
it. In the meantime, if you demand on the one hand,
the raw material of poetry in
all its rawness and
that which is on the other hand
genuine, you are interested in poetry.

Strange and Beautiful

2009-09-14T00:54:00.001-07:00

Reading East of Eden and eating a Hersheys bar. My life can be simple at times but my thoughts never seem to quiet down for my own balance. My heart races, and it's not threatening. Its not assuring either. No one owes me anything. I'm not holding out my hand and I feel better about myself.

I wish I could take my behind the wheel test already. Its stressing me out. Too many complications. I feel uninspired to do my homework but I'm doing it anyway. I guess that's a good practice, I can't always be motivated to do what I "have" to.

Love. I wish there was another word to explain how I feel towards you, "love" is so overused and deformed by hallmark and meaningless lyrics. Until then, I can say that you should be in my world. Not because its right, or its cool. But because, without you I have a lost limb I continiously try to scratch. You're my friend.

Yoplait

2009-09-13T10:11:00.001-07:00

So Friday was the first game I've cheered at. It was fun, tiring and I was disappointed in myself because I forgot some cheers. Hmm. But I practiced some yesterday. I worked yesterday too. It was cool talking to my boss. The people around me I'm pretty comfortable with. I guess that's a good thing.
I feel sort of incomplete. I don't know if its because I'm making myself feel like this but I do.

Dear you,
I wouldn't give you the world at first. But I would give you enough of me, you wouldn't question my intentions for a minute and I'd never have to promise you. You'd always, know.

Sincerely,
Me

The Real World Doesn't Care Who You Were in High School

2009-09-09T15:52:00.000-07:00

The real world doesn't care about who you were in high school.
The real world doesn't care if you were prom queen or if you were a loner.
The real world doesn't care if you had a cute boyfriend or a "weird looking one".
The real world doesn't care if you got drunk at a party and slept with the whole football team. Why does the "high school world" care when we do any of these things?
Why does the girl next to me in my Spanish class care if I had sex over the weekend?
Why does the freshman near my locker always ask me who I'm dating?
Why does the boy who walks to class in my general direction for 5th period care what I think of his new shoes? The real world, once you get out there, will not give a fuck about what you were wearing September 3 of 2009. The real world, once you get there, will not give a fuck about who was dating who on valentines day.

In high school we make a big deal of who is with who, who did what, who did who, what happened to whom, when did they do what they did, how many people were witnesses over the drama, who started the drama, who wants to end the drama, what is the drama. WHAT IS THE DRAMA?!

The time we waste on questions and answers that have nothing to do with our building professions. How will knowing that you have a new girlfriend help me do my English homework to keep my grades up? What I'm saying is that, a lot of us do things completely irrelevant to our education and our goals.

And quite honestly, I'm ashamed that I had any part in this for so long. But, I'm apologizing to myself for wasting my own time and I'm done.

And I don't want to talk about anyone anymore. Some of my friends are right when they say "How is talking about them making you any better?" And it's true. All of us, we should stop focusing on the social status of our high school classmates and worry about our academics, athletics, extra curricular activities, our household, and our jobs! And today I'm starting to work towards that. I love my life, I won't damage it.

More Pictures AJ and I Took

2009-09-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

Say Hey (I love you)

2009-09-06T01:09:00.001-07:00

So, this is what it feels like to have left the crossroads. I'm beyond it. The crossroads is a dot from where I'm still standing. You know how something happens to you, like you're driving around for 1 hour and the directions on your phone aren't getting you to your destination and you're so frustrated..and then months later you're laughin about it? It's gonna be like that. I'm laughing, I'm smiling, but it doesn't add up yet.

Not yet

Goodnight my beautiful world

Appreciate what you have, I know that I do.

The Common Cold

2009-09-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

So, I'm laying on my couch. I'm really tired and I feel like shit, physically. My nose is runny and I feel like my head is all clogged up with germs and grossness. Jeez, I cannot afford to get sick. Its frustrating.

I'm still pushin here. I worked and went to school today. Tomorrow is the welcome back dance. Gotta set up, attend and work that shit. (I'd be more than fine with doing so if I wasn't being internally drowned by snot) I need these hours though. With cheer&work, its definitely not easy getting 7 hours every two weeks. Trust me, harder done than said.

Well, somebody hope I get well. Please!

Goodnight beautiful world.

We stayed at the hotel and talked about everything

2009-09-02T23:23:00.001-07:00

So I am here to take chances, right? I'm here to sky dive into a beautiful fall without the weight of a parachute. Right?

I'm going, and I'm not cautious of the ground below me. Eventually I will stop flying, I assume of course. But I'm hoping for rain.

Chai Tea Latte

I never want to hear "I love you" unless we've known each other for years, decades even
I never want to hear a "we belong together" unless you're singing an old love song.

Wanna know why? And its not because I'm bitter or because I don't have belief in being happy with another person, simply. But because, I'm not going to be tied down into what seems like a lifetime of checking my cell phone, thinking about someone, or contributing to any distraction from my fall. I'm going sky diving, figuratively speaking. And I'm not looking to become a half. I am a whole.

Goodnight.

My First Photo in Photography Class

2009-09-01T21:07:00.001-07:00

I fell in love with the DJ

2009-09-01T16:59:00.001-07:00

I am going to release this. One time. And then it's history. Okay? All I have to say, I will eventually become okay with referring to it when my friends and I joke. It will become a memory where I will smile with wiser eyes. But RIGHT now, as a teenage girl who can have moments where "I don't know any better". I'm going to take advantage of the venting that youth allows me to do more often. So shut up and listen.

Dear you,
I have put up with so much shit. Not complaining, but asked you to just stop and be mine. Not that you EVER asked me to put aside your faults, but you always told me to stay. "Losing contact would be ignorant" oh but how could we ever talk? I expect too much?

You fucked my best friend, who is now only an acquaintance thanks to that drama
You wouldn't want me to move on, by making me feel guilty with phrases like "I don't feel like you're mine anymore"
You talked to a girl, RIGHT after you accused me of slipping away, promised to stop and lied about it. Because by the way, I KNOW she's the one who stopped talking to you.
You pretend to be your best friend and text me things to make me angry at HIM as a way of testing my loyalty
You assign him the task of "fucking me" so that you would've felt better about what you were doing, and I said no for the obvious and whole truth that I was emotionally stuck with you
The only reason you requested to see me was at night, I'm not the girl you wish to see outside of a bedroom
You told me to shut the fuck up when I asked you how you felt, and this was after you told me I was annoying until I told YOU how I felt
You accused me of telling our peers that you gave me an std (self-explanatory) But morally, their opinion mattered more than mine could
And last but not least, you told me that you loved me at one point. And though you changed the word from "love" to "like", you lied about both feelings because you lied about caring

I like you, I am infatuated with you. I was so astonished that I felt even the checkout girl at a grocery store who had the chance to speak or ever look at you was lucky. Because I rarely had that. I admire your commitment to your dream and sometimes your ruthlessness. I see a wall you hold up strong and it makes me want to have a better standing ground so I won't be so weak. You are confident in who you are and you do not let emotions overrule. I have faith that you can do anything.

I won't ever feel the need to hold anything against you. You have held everything against me. And you know what? Fuck the "I" message. YOU hurt ME. And whether it was intentional or not sure can be debatable. But you never tried to improve how you communicated or interacted with me once I made it clear how I felt. And you won't ever need to apologize. I don't want you to. But I forgive myself for "expecting too much."

And from now on, though I may write a million poems about how "you were the best thing", there will always be something left unsaid or undid. I must admit that one of my many questionable reasons for holding on include: I never wanted to see you with someone else and think to myself,"Is it because she cared more??" and doubt my decision to move on. But after this, I know that I couldn't have changed your mind.

I know that that deep down, when I really think about it and go digging for my own core principals, my intentions will never be to play by the game rules. I wish you the best.

Release

Love,
Well, me

Won't Stop Now

2009-08-31T20:35:00.000-07:00

How many of you work hard for something you have a passion for?
I know that I do. I have a passion for doing what I love. And what I love is being successful. But I know that I can work harder, I can always improve myself in the classroom, on the track or in the gym (for cheer), and in my leadership role, and as a daughter. And I've had a wake up call, I need to step my game up. Honestly, my week days are productive. I work, cheer practice, leadership work nights to help out, I'm active in the classroom and I do my homework and keep my area at home clean. I DO not procrastinate as much as I used to. But my weekends could be more productive. I could be studying more and taking more time to practice my cheers. Like on Sunday? Practicing my cheers with Sara and Sofia helped me so much. I'm happy that I did that and I want to take more time to improve on the commitments I've made. All of them.

I'm pushing myself
And I plan on working from my determination.

CAN'T TELL ME NOTHIN!

Shmack

2009-08-29T02:30:00.001-07:00

What? I'm on. So on. I never blog when I'm on. But I want to read this "the morning after". I am so insecure. I'm scared. Let's be real. I'm insecure and I'm nervous. Ugh like another girl could be better? But some say I'm beautiful, do you not see what they see?
Fuck! I feel like I'm on clouds. No no I am on clouds. This is seriously a fucking cloud. Wow.

My stomach hurts now. I hate it. Butterflies? Or what. I don't know. But I know how I feel about you like crazy. You drive me crazy. Or I drive myself crazy. I don't know. But I miss you most days

Pawn

2009-08-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

he's the best thing since the wheel
the best thing since sliced bread
he's the best thing since lyrics..the ones that, even after you've listened to eight million other songs, are still stuck in your head
he's the best thing since the light bulb
the best thing since SMS and instant messaging
he's the best thing since film, the ability to take photographs for religious reminiscing
he's the best thing since paper
the best thing since living rooms and kitchens
he's the best thing since mattresses, for me to lay on and miss him
he's the best thing since airplanes
the best thing since the washing machine and the alphabet
he's the best thing since the treadmill, the ones that count your steps and how much you sweat
he's the best thing since the calculator
the best thing since weed
he's the best thing since the sun, the whole universe
but he'll never remember me.

Stolen - Dashboard Confessional

2009-08-23T14:05:00.001-07:00

Inhale..So I'm laying here, all partied out before summer is truly over. Vacation that is. I have worked hard getting ready for my senior year and I have had a blast on the weekends, taking risks. I fell in love. With my world, with the ocean and the sand, and with my friends. I fell in love with my life.

I could not have wished for a better one.

No matter what the downers were, the highlights mean everything to me.

Exhale. Let my senior year begin.

Human

2009-08-22T09:43:00.001-07:00

My dream is to walk across the stage of at high school graduation with no regrets. My dream is to go to college, and do it because it scares me. My dream is to become a teacher and have the same impact my own teachers had. My dream is to live on my own as I provide on my own, before I ever settle down with someone. I want to pay all of my own bills before I start planning for others. My dream is to have mini him's and i's running around before I'm too old to understand them.
My dream is to do all of those crazy things I do, when the only thing left to convince myself is "Life is too short."
My dream is to take every oppurtunity to grow
My dream is to be able to wake up one morning, thinking to myself "If I were to die right now, I've had a full life"

Chasing Pavements

2009-08-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

I'd build myself up, and fly around in circles..wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle.

See I thought it was black&white,that this was wrong or it was right. But I don't care. It doesn't matter. The "what does it mean?" No, what it means is only a tiny part. How it feels is what matters. The digging and digging for the deeper meaning, it's too many questions. Just feel.

If it's pleasure..or even pain, at least I felt something pure. That's what makes it all worthwhile.

An open window and locked door

2009-08-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

So I jumped out, hopped in the car, pulled my seat back and let my heart race.

Is there anyone in you're life, that you feel you'll always know and that you always knew. Sometimes when I'm familiar with something, I mistake it for love. Even if it isn't love, I mistake it for something emotionally tangible. But it isn't love when you know that you'll be watching footprints in the dirt circle you. Circling you and making you dizzy, but still you're on your feet so you can keep up with the painful pace. But once the circle feels old, the footprints take steps further, until they realize their not done yet. An so, you're both doing the same thing. It's familiar.

I don't want to spin around, I want to dance.

By the way

2009-08-10T19:45:00.001-07:00

I don't like being on hold when we're on the phone
Cranberry juice makes me happy
Life is more than material and scandal
Too long w/o sugar and I'll wanna throw up
I love to sing when I'm home alone
I believe in Honesty to the very core
I believe that reading helps the mind
When I've made up my mind about moving on, there's no turning back
If drama tries to suck me in, I run, I run like the wind
I actually respect Paris Hilton
I've never liked Jordans or shoes that made me wear socks
I'm more of a sandals type of gal
I'm afraid of disappointing only myself, my mother and uncle james
I've been in love before, and its worth it
I'll never let a boy set boundries on me, I'm not in middle school anymore where I'm not "allowed" to have guy friends and wear what I wanna wear
Homophobia will only lead you to the door
I break the rules when I know it'll be worth it the next morning if I get caught
I love sex, if I were a boy you wouldn't judge me but feel free to, I'm sure you'd enjoy it too
I'm responsible and I know myself better than I expected to at 17
I don't share dairy products with anyone, its just wrong
Drugs? I'm not an idiot. I do what I do in moderation
I hate when people sleep with their backs to me
I take my education seriously b/c without it, I know I would live an unfufilled ignorant life
I love clear nailpolish when I grow out my fingernails
When I have my earphones in, that means I'm listening to music(don't talk to me)
I write to save my thoughts, for I have so many

squinty curious face and high pitched voice

2009-08-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

Really?!?

My world is a deeper blue

2009-08-09T18:34:00.001-07:00

Hmm. I ALWAYS get cheesecake for dessert. This time I got chocoloate torte. Yummy. Don't regret it at all. Haha. My hands still smell like lobster. I'm keeping the bib this time, only because I didn't spill too much. I'm trying to read the rest of The Scarlet Letter. Its kinda stressing me out but I will try to race through it. Man, the smell is REALLY strong and I've washed my hands 4 times. I'm sad I leave on Tuesday. Before, I couldn't wait until I get on that plane home. But now that I'm older, I'm like "No, one more week!" Ahh, well I'll remember this years from now when I have to drag my own kids kicking and screaming to visit the ol rural life.

Goodnight world, keep the good things comin.

The trouble with love is

2009-08-08T17:34:00.001-07:00

I'm suprised that my phone can take good pictures like this. Lol. But man this is a sight.It is possible to see this much beauty and not feel the need to be with someone. I'm writing more than I thought I would during this trip. Hmm. Well okay, I'm going to go live it and not write for the rest of the night. Haha. Have a wonderful evening, world. I know I will.

Fallin For You

2009-08-08T14:55:00.001-07:00

Good evening. Its almost 6 here. Hmm. We just left the annual family reunion. I've never been to one until now. And for gods sake I cried. No one here saw, thank goodness because I don't like scenes..so I will get it off my chest before we move on to the next event we're on our way to. This woman, uncle james' cousin? She went up to me when I was alone and started telling me how she's always adored him. And how he always brags about me. I immediatly started thinking about my mother. And how I'm in the middle of so many kind people, that look nothing like me. These people and their memories. "My father and I used to.." mom, remember how we used to...?" Yes, they can be my family and all of that hallmark stuff, but where's MY family? My mother? The relatives that have the same hair as I do, the same eyes and similar shaped faces? I don't love this family any less. Though, it makes me sad not able to love my mother any more. She can't brag about me, or give me the "talks" about getting older, sex, my entry into the real world as I get older. On my wedding day, she's not going to tell me that I'm the most beautiful bride she's ever seen.

I love uncle james. Everything I am, almost everything I am is from him. I have my mothers eyes. But, what else is there? Do I have her strength and her courage? I wonder if I spent enough time with her to inherit her traits. Any of them. I don't mean to see this as the glass half empty. And I'm sorry if its like that.

Okay. Back to reality, we're on our way to a pig roast? This ought to be interesting.

My Side

2009-08-08T07:26:00.001-07:00

Woke up with this view from my window. Speaks for itself doesn't it? Once I got ready and went downstairs for breakfast, we talked and it was nice. I'm trying to imagine my life on the east coast for college and its flawless so far. It makes my heart race fast and slow at the same time. Well, I'm in the car now.

They're trees here to keep me company.

Until then..

Post It

2009-08-08T02:43:00.000-07:00

My uncle told me before that it helps to stop nightmares or reoccuring dreams by talking about them. Well, I keep dreaming (almost every night) about different ways to beat up this girl. Seriously? I'm not like that. I don't wanna do that when I'm awake! Lol. But when I sleep, I dream of it. I need to stop attacking her -in my dreams, just because in reality..I felt insecure about the boy I wanted.

I need to pull it together here! Because it doesn't matter. I'm happy with where I am. Okay. There. If I dream about it one more time, I'm getting help.

Btw, I looked outside when I woke up and all there is is beauty. Oh dear. Goodnight again

Air

2009-08-07T19:38:00.001-07:00

So I'm here. 3 hour time difference, not exactly used to it yet but I am tired from the long flight and drive. I'm laying in bed now. We always stay here at uncle James's moms house. Weird sentence. I used to be so scared in this big ol house in the middle of no where, far away from any street lights..that we would share a room. This is my first time sleeping in a different room and alone. At first my heart definitely dropped but its actually not bad. I'm not so scared.
It has the familiar smell. The best explanation of it that I can give is the mixture of : trees, antique furniture, and clean sheets.

Its a sight to see, people. I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow we have a full day so I'm going to sleep. Goodnight beautiful world.

Post It

2009-08-07T04:10:00.000-07:00

So, my finger nails are all the same length. Sweet. I have to wake up in one hour to leave for the airport. In my opinion, the airport is one of thee romantic places.

Good moro?

Slore - I'm walking you towards the door

2009-08-07T03:49:00.000-07:00

Here's what you wanted. A post about you right? Soak up the attention like a sponge and squeeze everything you have onto the people in your environment. You want to make people feel sorry for you, agree with you. I can see it clearly. "Ayyee blud, look what she wrote. She thinks all I do is talk about her." Hmm, what was that? The action you continue to pursue that contradicts yourself every time you tell another "close friend" you just met about 'why stacey and I are where we're at' You'd think you'd take the hint after spelling it out to you. On my side? No one in my life remembers your name. I stopped using it after our "second" date yo. And the thing is, I won't lie. I'm not going to say that this doesn't get to me. Apparently it does, I'm writing about how much it does. It bothers me when I've moved on and people can't keep up. It bothers me when I'm doing my thing trying to live a beautiful life like the one I adore and people think that my focus remains on high school boy drama. Maybe I don't make it obvious enough, but I honestly believe there is more to life than that. Life to me, is spending time with the people you love, working hard, learning about yourself and what you have a passion for, trying new things and being spontaneous with a best friend, a stranger or by yourself and etc. THAT'S what I focus on. But those who find it more appealing to dwell in the past, its harsh to say..but I pity you some days. I'm no better than anyone, but I actually feel sorry for you. And I blame myself for letting it blur my focus.

The grass is green on my side, I hope you pull out your weeds and wake up, because you're sleeping throughout most of it.

Even if the city blacked out right now

2009-08-06T21:12:00.000-07:00

Hello,
Today went pretty smooth. I worked 9-1 and then spent some time with Michael. Oh, that boy. Definitely something real we have and I'm glad we spent time today. I barely see him now that we live totally different lives. He's off in the world pretty much. Though I like to say that I'm out there too, I'm still in good ol San Lorenzo High school trying to keep it together as best I could. I guess that's what most of us are doing anyway. But the point is, I am extremely blithesome knowing I have long term friends such as the ones I keep close.
Work is good. I feel like I belong. I get into the office, make my coffee (or my co-worker shares her huge cup she has), check my email and get started on my responsibilities. And it's not like it's boring or just time-consuming. I'm doing some real work and I stay busy. No more counting down the minutes until I get to walk down those stairs, outside of the glass doors and into the sunlight again. You can say the beginning was bittersweet. Right now, it's just sweet.
Today after work and seeing Michael, I went to my school to have a short meeting for senior sweatshirt designs. It's coming a lot better than the T-shirts. The whole process I mean. I think it's because of CORE camp. But we're pretty close already to having the design set. And ideas are flowing off our tongues like crazy.

What can I say?

My life, yeah it's beautiful. I hope all of you are appreciating yours.

Well, tomorrow I'm off to the East Coast. If I get to blog there, great. If not, have a wonderful weekend world!

I fold

2009-08-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

The door closed, I was just ringing the doorbell to an empty house. I should've known when the mail kept piling up on your doorstep, all letters from me. What a step back. You always see me falling apart, and its not like you have glass walls to make it fair. You're at the peep hole and I'm in a dream. Or is it my real dream, it used to be.
The obvious should be supported by words. Illustration isn't set in stone, at least not to me.and I believe

That I want better for myself.

Goodbye.

Carry

2009-08-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Summer is pretty much over. I'm so busy that it feels like I'm already into the school year. Though I know there is a lot more that I will be doing once school actually starts. Feels good to be this busy because I'm in no trouble that I must worry about. All my activities are based on bettering myself for the real world anyway. I start work in about half an hour. I get off at 5:30. No work tomorrow but I'm getting leadership hour in the morning I think. I'll check in a few. And I have practice tomorrow. But once I leave Friday for the long weekend, I'll get to relax more. Read more.

I'm very happy with my Clinique. Lol. This line has been saving my life for a couple years now. I definitely suggest it.

Easy way out

2009-08-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

How easy it is to say that something was taken from you. That something happened to you. Why do we make ourselves the victims? Simple to say but suffering it is to actually be. Sometimes I want to feel the pain, I want to be hurt by it. I don't want the pity. I don't like the thought being "helped" it doesn't comfort me at all. Its the drama of not only being saved, but being emotionally rescued by the person you blamed for your position in the first place. Where do I stand? Oh I admit, I'm beyond majorities definition of insane. I'm "over" analytical about every word and gesture that I am now, off the edge. And I don't want someone to save me. I know I put myself here. But why don't I want to get out more often than I don't?

Post it

2009-08-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

My life is beautiful

Waiting for a sign

Goodnight

Permanent.

2009-07-31T08:28:00.000-07:00

Or just temporary.

I'm sitting on my counter, the one by the two windows and waiting to see the sun. I imagine what flowers represent my mood right now. I feel like im in autoplay. Like I can't go on by myself w/o your decision. I'm just, waiting.

Ever Admit it to yourself, when you think that you're a monster

2009-07-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

Ever vent to a stranger? I'm doing that right now. I think it would be nice to have a local cafe to recite poetry. Going into the city for that is all grand but it'd be nice around here. I have so much written in my journals.

Ever see yourself as a monster?
Have you done something that seemed so terrible, you blocked it..and wondered later if it were true?

Not a drunk "memory", but something real that goes and comes. One moment you swear it happened, the next you're trying to put the pieces together. I have memories of saying goodbye to my mom, did it happen? Memories of one night stands..did they happen? How far did I go? Some things we never say out loud because we're afraid the real world will think we're crazy. What is crazy? When I was little, I would lay in my bed while it's pitch black in my room and stare into the darkness..and I swear to you, I saw little dots move into a carnival act.

What is crazy? And are there good and bad, right or wrong crazy?

My stranger just told me that I should let it go. Wonder if he's right. I believe, strangers usually are.

JJ Heller - Where I Land

2009-07-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

Nice relaxing day. I'm at home now waiting for my sunblock to dry for another 20 minutes so that I can walk to practice. I feel pretty good about my body. I still run and cheer practice helps too. I was looking at myself naked before I entered the shower and this time, I wasn't noting any flaws or mistakes, I smiled and moved on. Feeling good on the inside, and the out. Ughh I swear sunblock makes me super shiny. Ew. Oh well. After practice I may go swimming with my friend :) Since the candle ceremony I thought about what he said. We have gotten closer. He's one of the greatest people I've ever known and not because he's brilliant in pretty much all that he does..but because he is my honest friend. We can all list his accomplishments for days, but I simply see a boy that cares for the world. I'm proud to say that I know him too. I know friendship.

Well, off to go.

Look After You

2009-07-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

Forget the urgency, but hurry up and wait. My heart, it started to seperate.

Its late and I have work in the morning, but world..you know me. My co-worker is pretty boss. She and I get alone really well. Yeah so she's 26, still have some of the same problems. Its nice when we talk. My boss is pretty awesome too. Jeez, my schedule for august is insane. But I mean, it'll only help with college life right? Uncle James and I shall check out Tufts University next week, or is it the week after..hmm. Boston in the fall of 2010? We'll see. I want to leave California, cause it scares me. And man, the whole "being on your own" sounds bittersweet when I hear stories. But hey, I just know that I'm going to make the best of my last year at San Lorenzo High before I leave.

I'm laying down, listening to my ipod. Its been playing since I've fallen asleep and now I'm up. 6 in the morning. Nice, right? I'm thinking. And yeah sure I'm scared, but who wouldn't be? It's worth it. I don't know how to put it in more simple terms. Other than, I believe that wanting you means wanting all of you.

My eyes are closing, I'm sleepy. Ugh and I totally have to pee.

I miss you and wish you were here with me right now.

Goodnight again

To sum it up - Leadership, I am a leader

2009-07-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

This is going to be some of the things I didn't get to say for many reasons. Crying can make me forget my points, frustration does the same thing and happiness and excitement also. So here I go.

For Reality 101, when I was one of the four people delegating, it was hard. If anyone from my leadership class reads this, esp my friends they know that that topic hits home everytime and it can have a huge impact on my emotions. But I didn't let that take over when I was reading and I didn't crack throughout the session. Yes, I had a few tears..those were for the stories I listened to. It wasn't for my own bc hey, I was delegating and it was not my time to share. That's what took most seriously and I had a frustrated look on my face bc we didn't get the task done in that session, to come up with an action plan if a situation like that ever occurs at my school. In the end, that was a stepping stone for me.

In the CORE camp traditional candle ceremony, I said a few things. Like how my view of high school changed once I hit ninth grade. My uncle told me at the end of my 8th grade year, "Don't worry, high school doesn't have drama like you have in middle school. People will focus on their own futures and finding themselves because it's the step before real life" ..not word for word but that's what it meant to me. Anyway, coming in to high school that was very untrue. My first year I was coming to class on E, high, or drunk. I wasn't giving a shit about my grades and I most definitely was not getting involved in any school activities that didn't mean I was part of a show. I was with Christine that whole year, and though I do not regret it, her moving away was the best thing for me. My sophomore year I gained new friends, friends that had ambition that came even before their 2nd year in high school. I started doing my "partying" in moderation and became a good student. I was still playing volleyball so I had that also. That was the year I had held my first 4.0 throughout that year. I experienced a lot of real 'firsts' that I will take with me for the rest of my life. And then Junior year. I held a class officer position,was taking AP classes and involved with giving back to the community I feel that I was once part of tarnishing. And I found that, it was a passion. That year, I discovered my growing love and appreciation for teaching and being apart of a change.

So as I enter my senior year in high school, as Senior Class President..I will do it with class, integrity and the same growing passion that began when I finally felt "aloud" to find myself. That journey isn't over, but it has definitely begun

CORE camp was not about becoming a "family" though it is wonderful that we began to bond so much. For me, it was about connecting again to the root of my ambition and strength. And that goal was accomplished. I am where I belong here, in my home, in san lorenzo at San Lorenzo High School, wanting what I want and making my decisions. I am where I belong.

After my senior year, I plan to go away for college. Right now I'm leaning towards Boston. And for following summers, maybe be a consultant at core camp. But my high school experience is the CORE of who I will be then. And I know that my mother is and will be, very proud of her daughter.

Bus ride home

2009-07-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to write a few things before I sleep, and I'll write more later or another time. But uhm, I love my life. ..yeah that's all. Goodnight.

day 2 at core camp

2009-07-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

I love it. I'm learning so much. ASB for my school is getting closer so that's pretty cool too. I am currently in one of the rooms of the fellow girls in my dorm. Its pretty nice. I'm so happy that I'm not sick. Dude, I'm barely tired for most of the day. Yay. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life. They are always there to listen.. I am very appreciative of my life. That shouldn't sound new, I just wanted to update.

My life, this world is beautiful.

I thank the universe for my uncle because he is my gaurdian angel. My parent. Those in my world, I care deeply. I have so many questions, opinions, observations, ideas, cons, so much. But I hope that all of them know how I care.

We don't have time to play it safe to save our pride, and love? That's what I believe in

Goodnight

Paperhearts

2009-07-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

It's about 2 right now. I have practice at 5:30 and I need to pack for tomorrow! CORE camp here I come. I'm looking forward to it THIS year. haha. I know kinda what to expect and I don't count on getting sick again. Last year was a mess. I had a good day at work yesterday. Though it was a long one. Then had mexican food with family. That was nice. I'm thinking about what kind of car I want. I know that I want a small one and I want a stick. Uhh..what else? Obviously I'm going to need to do research soon. Yikes I'm getting older. Feels good most of the time but why is it that getting older means more expensive everything? hmmp, questions of the universe I guess.

Good day! Happy happy happy. I feel high off life. I didn't eat much today. Maybe I'm going crazy. Ahh I shall go make a sandwhich then! okay?!

Have a beautiful day you beautiful big world.

youre not even human.

2009-07-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

This is our moment, marked in time. Where explanations were too long ago expected, now they'd only be acceptions. Except.. you're not my acception. And I'm tired of writing about you. I'm worn out from thinking about you. I'm done.

Hmm. Do people care how they're remembered? I don't think that I do. As much as it sounds nice to be remembered as a hero somehow, does it matter? If I want people to know something about me when I die, I want it to be honest. So honest in fact that it makes people think. Maybe think as much as I do while I'm alive. Does being dead mean you're no longer alive? No that's not a trick question, just think about it.
I know people that work their ass off to be thought of a certain way, to leave a legend. But why? Once you're gone people will eventually forget or twist what you left.

I want to work my ass off to be happy, and accomplish my goals.
If people remember me as a witch or a goddess, well I guess that's up to them.

Why

2009-07-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

Why the hell did you chose him? Did you have to have sex with him? Why? Him? You? How was it? Did you do that cute sexy move you told me you always did? Did he like it? Did you talk about me first? After? Ever? Did you look him in the eyes? Did you see me? Did you see him and understand why I saw he was beautiful?

Cause he was, before you tainted him.

Hazy

2009-07-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I went swimming, half skinny dipping intoxicated with some friends and I got my hair wet on purpose. Life is too short to worry about stuff like that when you have a moment of free. And that is what it is. I'm not going to let the possibility of it being my fault, stand in the way of what I want. I know what I want and even if it doesn't work out, knowing that I didn't push it away when things seem futile is enough.

Find what you have a passion for, take it to the edge and jump, even if you don't have the courage to fly.

I always say that I know what I'm doing. It's because telling yourself that you're constantly confused or lost usually only gets you there. It doesn't have to be this way. It never does. Find out what you want, and go for it. Lose yourself? You have two choices, find who you used to be or lose that person completely. Oh how the answers are always in front of us in complex meaningless phrases until we inhale..exhale and let it happen. I will become the girl on the bathroom floor singing all of my problems away with tears racing toward the floor if I have to be but the sadness is only because every honest smile was one more tear tucked in. And I will hold my ground and say that , It is worth it.

Find someone that you can be yourself with, even if you don't know who the hell yourself is. I mean it.

Actually

2009-07-17T05:55:00.000-07:00

I guess the whole deleting his AIM and number thing is symbolic. It makes sense in my head. Though it's erased, gone..I my fingers still know how to dial his number and as for his screen name for instant messaging.. if he didn't have one so simple, it wouldn't be so easy to enter those letters in. Who picks a number like 6? Hmmph. Well then it hit me, stop dialing and entering then eventually my brain won't remember it anymore and it will evolve into a daily habit that was a long time ago..eventually. that's when I stopped thinking of him as a moron and instead, a genius.

Right now I'm making myself some oatmeal and toast. I have work soon. I get off early though and then I shall return home and play with the cat we'll be babysitting for the next week. Perfect timing actually, I can vent to another living thing. Haha. Just kidding.

Off to go. It's going to be a beautiful day.

Sweet Silver Lining

2009-07-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

Hey world, Thursdays and Fridays I work until 1 usually. So this afternoon is pretty chill. At 5 I have to be at school so I thought I'd jot down some thoughts before I'm out.

Want me to spill? Aaaaigght then fa sho.

It's a beautiful day and I'm inside. Not that I mind, it's pretty cool in my house. Haha. Jeez louizze. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH SLEEP. My life is so beautiful, I feel like I can't scream it enough! But I love it soo. And I know it gets better, that's the part that makes my heart drop and my smile widen.

Ehh but I must say, that my life is not perfect. Not that I'm about to list the flaws in my painting but..you know.

Gotta go get ready.
PEACE!

Overrated - the mistakes we make in life, just to keep our pride

2009-07-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Picture of my desk at work!

Today was nice. Food&movie. Simple and enough. My head isn't all over the place. I know what I'm doing now. I'm working to save up for the things I need, like a car and all of that. And a portion towards my fun spending. I'm working hard in practice because I want to become a better cheer leader and to improve with my squad. I'm keeping things calm with my friends and my family because that last thing that I ever need and will need is drama. This honestly is just for me to keep my head straight. If I sound repetitive, you may stop reading my blog at any moment that pleases you. This is for me. Anyway, as I was saying. I know what I'm doing. And I'm dating to have fun, to learn and maybe somewhere down the road be open to the idea of a relationship. It's a skydive.

I have my feet on the ground.

Well, I have to get up early for work tomorrow. And then hang out until the cheer fundraiser at school. Last week of it I think? Hmmph. Yawwwn. Goodnight beautiful world

Hearts set in stone.

2009-07-15T03:30:00.000-07:00

Laying down in my bed. Saw Harry Potter tonight. Don't remember the last time I saw a movie that started at midnight. Hmm. My life is wonderful. I had a lonnng shift today at work. It went well though. I shall sleep in tomorrow morning though. I like to take advantage of the mornings that I don't need to get up for work.. it's cherishable.

I dream to be more independent. At first I admit I was doing it for him..but you know what? FUCK YOU

You keep complaining about your glass being half empty. Whose fault is that?

Goodnight beautiful world.

So good

2009-07-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

Trying so hard to get up for work right. So I thought, why not blog?

Ever feel like you miss something different everyday? I don't want to die and people at my funeral will be wondering.."Soo..who DID she love?" You know? Ugh not that that matters. I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon but still. The wondering. I'm just so bored! I have work and cheer practice. When I'm free and have no plans I sit around and wander. Not healthy. I think I need to stop. But until then I'll keep writing down and keeping track and maybe something will make sense.

I have a wonderful life. I do. I appreciate it and love it and adore everything I have. I do.

Why do I sit around and look for something wrong with it?

See I thought love was black&white, that it was wrong or it was right

2009-07-13T22:24:00.001-07:00

It's not like he just crept into my life without me noticing. Hell, I was more aware then he was. I wiggled fiercely into his world, without question. I've been trying to think of the right way to say this, but I couldn't find something that was enough. So I will just bluntly tell you how I feel.

I have written him letters that I haven't sent. Nothing dramatic like 1 a day but the words I wrote were enough of me to hand over to someone else, and it meant something. I think that every thought, tear and reference to him was my way of dealing with the fact that, here at home.. I'm not miles away from someone. Here at home, I was all over the place. But having that one destination to go to in my head was enough to be satisfied here, at home.

But I love my home.

"Would you ever marry a guy like me?"

1 year ago, I wouldn't have been hesitant for a millisecond to say yes, but now?
We'll see. I will write letters, I will think of you, ohh but I won't love you.

I look at family that I used to be close to, friends I used to have, boyfriends that are now just names of the past.

I'm so happy that my life is rid of you! And I don't feel guilty to say it! That's the best part.

This world is beautiful, and I don't feel guilty to appreciate it. And that's the best part.

Lip biting, hair pulling, tossing and turning

2009-07-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

So it's my first day home from cheer camp. It was only two days. Nothing long but oh did we work hard. I'm pretty sore but I feel pretty good. Oh god! Yeah I'm going to take another shower after I post this. It's relaxing.
I'm happy. I need to do my hair bro. This fro isn't making me happy. I want a hair cut too. Split ends! Ugh. Haha. Okay anyway. I shall go shopping today? hmmph. We'll see.

I'm all over the place. Let's deal with that later okay?
I'm just letting things happen. Letting things pieces fall where they may and go from there. Doesn't sound like a bad plan to me. Before, I came across a guy who winked and bam happily ever after. Dude, I'm young but I'm definitely older than that. So no rushing. I like what I'm doing for myself.

Have a beautiful day world

I know I will

Harrys Hofbrau, San Leandro CA

2009-07-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

So I go here a lot. My uncle and I love this place. I liked it more than him actually. But tonight I found something that I didn't see on the menu!

A WORM! Gross? Hell yeah. Never going back.

Hostess

2009-07-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hmm I have all these desires to spoil someone! Lol. Some know what I'm talking about. I would totally "cater to my man".

Jeez.

Maybe it's a stage. I didn't understand it before when Stephanie used to always say that if she had someone, she would cater to him. Now I have this want to please someone. Kc thinks I need a pet to shower my love with. I agree that I have a whole lot of something and I need something to channel my affection into. Don't think I can be taken advantage of, I won't love anything that looks my way. But damn if you make me smile, I'm not letting you walk away without one also. Ehh. I worked from 9-4 today. I'm pretty beat. Well, off to start packing for cheer camp tomorrow.

Until next time..

Cheeesy w/ my fish

2009-07-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Cold blooded, covered with scales, and usually equipped with two sets of paired fins
The ones I've met were warm blooded with a cold heart, equipped with two destructive personality traits
Dumb fish, smart fish
Nice fish, mean
How many fins must I release until I keep
Cheating fish, overly sensitive that their scales can rub off
Beating fish - no logical reason to hope that their habit runs off

Yeah - the sea is ABUNDANT with fish
But I want my quiet little swimmer, two fins to hold, for me

Different way of seeing it

2009-07-08T01:04:00.000-07:00

Today I worked 9-5 then from there I went with Uncle James to see the play Wicked for the 2nd time. We saw it two years ago in LA and man I wouldn't mind seeing it for a 3rd time. At dinner we were talking about our trip to europe two summers ago, I wouldn't mind going back. Hmmph, memories I love to revisit.
I guess I've been doing that a lot.

I've been wondering. So you know, maybe 10 years from now or more..I'll be getting married (I'm thinking). And I wonder, to whom? Do I know this person NOW? Have we met?
And how many times have I seen this person?
Maybe we ran into each other at an airport once or maybe we've seen each other at a party or in a mall and just forgot about it. Ughh if I can remember every face I've ever seen, maybe id know. It's not anything to be too curious about, but it's something.

Yeah I'm 17. Finding the one isn't number one on my list, just something to wonder.

I'm sleeping in this really big sweatshirt that doesn't belong to me. I've been wearing it a lot lately. It's comfy. No reason. Blah talk about word vomit.

I think that life is beautiful.

Goodnight

Stacidella

trying this instead..

Circular

Dear Santa,

Melanie Fiona - Give It To Me Right

Daniel Fairytale - Stacey Daniels

Baby Baby Baby

The end, period.

You Picked Me

Heaven

Heal

CPR

You Can't Hurry Love

Butterfly

Sick

Ball

Castle

I'm a glass, full

Today's saving grace for me.

Haunted

2899

Dance

Slightly insane, but never ordinary.

Why

What could you possible know about breaking down, that I don't?

Photos I took. Why I'd miss Maine.

Eyes froze.

Charm

Sudae

The Wreckers - Lay Me Down

Armor

Note

November

Shaken soda

Jan 9th 2009 7:35:04 PM

Senior President

Blue Nike

Clarity

Boston

101709 - Homecoming Is Over

When it hurts to press SAVE

When The Stars Go Blue

Wish I would have cheered long ago

EE Cummings - An idol of mine.

Spoiled

Sea of Love

Lucky

"Poetry" by Marianne Moore

Strange and Beautiful

Yoplait

The Real World Doesn't Care Who You Were in High School

More Pictures AJ and I Took

Say Hey (I love you)

The Common Cold

We stayed at the hotel and talked about everything

My First Photo in Photography Class

I fell in love with the DJ

Won't Stop Now

Shmack

Pawn

Stolen - Dashboard Confessional

Human

Chasing Pavements

An open window and locked door

By the way

*squinty curious face and high pitched voice*

My world is a deeper blue

The trouble with love is

Fallin For You

My Side

Post It

Air

Post It

Slore - I'm walking you towards the door

Even if the city blacked out right now

I fold

Carry

Easy way out

Post it

Permanent.

squinty curious face and high pitched voice